Where Have I Been?? | Coffee & Chit Chat

It’s been a month and a half since I’ve posted on the blog. In ways, it feels like its been years, but in other ways, it feels like its been days.

Blogging is such a weird thing. What was once a space to share my favorite movies, my go-to dorm room snacks, and my opinions on the pumpkin spice craze has turned into a job. It feels like work. Sometimes, it honestly feels like a burden.

I love my blog. I love this little corner of the internet that I’ve created. It’s something I’m so passionate about and proud of because quite frankly, most people don’t stick with something for as long as I have stuck with the blog. It’s been four and a half years.

When I first started the blog, there was no pressure. It was all about posting 3x a week, creating graphics, developing a newsletter. I was hooked and completely submerged in the wonderful world of blogging. This time period was right at the beginning of the whole influencer culture that has now taken over the world. Blogging was a way to communicate, to build a community, and to “meet” new internet friends. I vividly remember waking up early on Saturday mornings, walking over to our student union, grabbing a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese and a coffee from Einstein’s, and sitting on my laptop anxiously awaiting the #GalPalGirlGang Twitter chat to start at 10 AM. Oh, how I love Twitter chats.

Anyways, just this past week I met with a wonderful woman who was talking to me about my hopes, passions, dreams, and goals for my life in the next few years, and she brought up my blog. She couldn’t stop raving about how amazing it was that I created such a warm, welcoming online space that is built around empowering women to be their strongest and most confident selves. She genuinely inspired me to write this post.

You see, I’m one of these people who think I’m always failing at life and I haven’t achieved anything. I always feel as if I could be doing better, I could be more dedicated to what I love, I could put more effort into succeeding. I’m truly my harshest critic.

This point leads me into the actual topic of this post and that is where I’ve been for the past two months. I’ve seemingly disappeared from existence online. No Instagram posts, no blog posts, rarely any Twitter posts… The truth is I’ve been in a really rough spot since the end of September.

At the end of September, Brad and I took the most amazing vacation to Folly Beach, and to be quite honest, it was absolute perfection. The weather was perfect, the food was delicious, our little Airbnb was in the perfect location, and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in a long time. When we got back, it was a challenge for me to fall back into my regular, non-beach filled days.

I spiraled into a really dark place. My depression and anxiety were through the roof despite the fact of regularly taking my anxiety meds. If you listen to my podcast, you can clearly tell how awful I was feeling. It got so bad that there was an entire week where I could barely work, I wasn’t sleeping, I was gorging myself on junk food, and I honestly just didn’t want to be here anymore. I felt like an absolute failure at life because my life wasn’t falling into place like I thought it would. Luckily at the end of that week, I had a doctor’s appointment and we upped my anxiety meds. That doctor’s appointment was a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s taken me about a month to get back to my usual routine and feeling like myself once again. I’m not drinking a cherry slush with nerds from Sonic every day, I’m actually cleaning the house on a regular basis, my sleep schedule is back to normal, and I thankfully feel inspired and creative again.

I’m going to slowly work on routinely posting on the blog. My 2020 goal is to publish at least one new post a week. That’s extremely manageable, and who knows, some weeks might even have two posts. I’m not putting any type of pressure on myself. I want the blog to be a fun space for me again. I no longer want it to be a burden or a chore.

I’ve been saying this for a while but I no longer want how well a post will do to determine what I talk about. I want to talk about all my plants and succulents. I want to talk about the gym and fitness. I want to talk about starting my own business. I want to talk about the struggles of anxiety and depression. I want to share my own experiences. And if in doing that it positively affects one single person and makes them feel less alone, well then I’ve done my job. I love each and every one of you more than you know, and I’m extremely thankful for all of you. The love and support of the blogging world is why I’ve stuck with it this long, and I can’t wait to take you on the rest of my life journey.

I’ll talk to you soon ❤️

~abigail gray